Manuela Hărăbor: “The greatest gift is to carry life inside you and give birth to it” / “For Life” Magazine, no. 4 – Spring 2015

Manuela Hărăbor made her movie debut when she was three. By 23, she was famous. And around the same time she found out something was wrong with her son.

She has never idolized her artistic career or felt her son’s autism as a burden. She only accepts to take roles that seem convincing to her, to take care of her son, Andrei, and to trust in divine providence, which she says is her most important support.

This interview is a lesson of courage and, above all, of tenacity in the fight for good, a great help for parents who have children with special needs and for all those who want to live beautifully, according to the true beauty of the world, which is pure love and truth.

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Why does the birth of a child bring so much joy?

Manuela Hărăbor: The greatest gift that God has given us is to carry life inside us and to give birth to life. I don’t think we have a higher calling than that. Whether we want to become doctors, artists, or teachers, I don’t think there is a more beautiful or holier profession than being a mother.

How did you feel when you found out you had a child with special needs and how did you cope with it afterwards?

Manuela Hărăbor: It was a great joy when I found out I was pregnant and I didn’t have any hesitations. Maybe it was the unconsciousness of youth, maybe it was my way of being. Andrei was born absolutely normal, there were no signs in the first months after birth. The regression started somewhere after 8-9 months.

But I would like to tell you something: I have never allowed myself to complain, I have never asked myself why I have these problems, why my child has these problems – these are things that God has spared me from and I consider it a great gift not to ask myself such questions.

Andrei’s problems appeared in the early 1990s, when not much was known about autism. It took a very long time before he was diagnosed, opinions were divided, there was no clear opinion. It wasn’t until he was three and a half that I was told. I tried to find a therapy or something to help him at least verbalize – he didn’t talk.

To be honest, I don’t remember the hardships I went through and the turmoil. I know it was hard, but I had my parents by my side, I can’t say that I carried that cross absolutely alone. And finally, after the age of five, I found a center with absolutely wonderful people, wonderful therapists, and Andrei suddenly opened up, started to talk and accumulated a lot. From that moment, it was like he was born a second time.

Some people wonder what will happen to children with special needs when their loved ones are no longer with them. How do you see this issue?

Manuela Hărăbor: I’ve never thought about it, and I’m not currently thinking beyond today. All I ask God is to keep us both healthy for as long as possible, so as to help each other.

I never think about what I am going to do, I don’t fall into the what-if fear trap, wondering what is going to happen when Andrei is 40 and I am going to be powerless or not even alive. I believe that God takes care of us and I don’t think Andrei will be left alone.

In 25 years, God has given me countless proofs that He is watching over him and protecting him. He has delivered him from many evils and I believe he will guard him until the end of his life.

In many cases, special needs become a reason for abortion. Do you think this is natural?

Manuela Hărăbor: It’s a slightly selfish point of view. It’s as if we, in everything we do – and I’m not just talking about procreating – we should only do great and maximum-grade things. Yes, when you’re young, you say to yourself, “I want to be a doctor and I want to be the best.”

But there is always someone better than you. Although we sometimes want superlatives in every area of life, life is not made that way. Life has successes and failures. You have to take for granted what God gives you and move on, all the more so with a child.

And I believe that God gives children with disabilities precisely to people who can carry this cross or who have something to learn from it. So it’s no accident. And I can testify that this special-need child has changed me for the better in a way that maybe a brilliant child would not have changed me.

You are a beautiful woman. Did it ever occur to you that a child might affect the way you look?

Manuela Hărăbor: I didn’t think about it, I didn’t think it would affect my career. When I got pregnant, I was in my third year of college, I really didn’t think about anything. I wasn’t afraid. It’s silly. At least for a woman in her 20s, it’s nonsense, because at that age, the body immediately recovers, which happens even after 30. And even if a woman has a baby at a later age, does it matter? It’s stupid!

What did you learn from Andrei?

Manuela Hărăbor: Many things. Really many. I have learned, first of all, to cherish each day more than anything, because Andrei teaches me a fantastic lesson every morning. Every day he wakes up happy, he laughs, he hugs us, he is full of love, he is very generous. He also taught me that it is important to remember the people around you and to be there for your neighbor – which he does absolutely all the time. When we go to church on Sundays, he shakes everyone’s hand, introduces himself, if they are strangers, and even if they are acquaintances, he asks them their name again. Andrei taught me that God-given joys are everywhere.

He taught me not to enjoy the easy things. To realize that something that is hard work is much more important for your soul, because in absolutely everything he has gained, he has put in an extraordinary effort, including the fact that he started to speak. It took him five years, in which he built up, and all of a sudden he burst out. He has worked very hard to learn to dress himself, to take care of himself, and this effort that he put in really opened my eyes.

What has strengthened you in difficult times?

Manuela Hărăbor: Looking back now, I realize that in the hardest moments, which I guess were in the first five years, when I didn’t know what was going on, God strengthened me, even though I didn’t realize it. I never fell into depression, I never saw the end, although I didn’t know where the help came from, where the trust came from that everything would be all right in the end for him and for me.

I had a difficult time when Andrei entered adolescence, but by then I had already met some people who showed me that the answer is in one place and that if you knock on God’s door, he will open it. At that time, Andrei had epileptic seizures which were quite rare and not very severe. But I was shaken, because I was coming from a very positive period, where I could see that things were slowly settling down and that Andrei was doing well. All of a sudden, this thing happened and it broke me down.

Luckily, I was not alone. I had support from so many people, it was the time when I got to know St. Nectarios and more. I realized it was a test for me, maybe a way to test the grain of faith that had just been born in me. With the help of the fathers from Radu Voda Monastery and the monks from Frăsinei, we overcame this moment and began to grow spiritually, both Andrei and I. There was a priest at the Radu Voda monastery who woke up early in the morning every day and gave Andrei communion before he went to school. This was the greatest medicine in the world. And we got over that period.

Did you wish you had more children, or did you think it would be too hard?

Manuela Hărăbor: I never thought and it never happened. Circumstances weren’t optimal, because I never had a marriage that worked. But it never happened, I was not put in the position to wonder: “Am I having this baby or not?”

What message do you have for parents who find out that their child has or will have disabilities?

Manuela Hărăbor: To have faith in God, to realize that these things happen for a purpose and the purpose is always for the good, not for the bad.

Is it possible to raise a child without the father’s involvement?

Manuela Hărăbor: As long as you have God’s help, it is possible anyway. In addition to our declarations of love, because I want him to be aware of the love I have for him, for years I have been asking him one thing: “Who is before me? Who loves you more than Mom?” And he has learned to say that God and Mom love him the most.

What do you enjoy most and how have you managed to keep your serenity?

Manuela Hărăbor: It is a gift from God, I don’t even realize it. I believe that God, when He gives you a burden and a cross to carry, also gives you a lot of strength to carry it. He’s not a misogynistic boss, who gives you work until he humps you and then rubs his palms together and enjoys it.

Frankly, I’m not an unhappy case. I can have a perfectly normal life with Andrei. Yes, he can’t go to school by himself, he can’t go shopping by himself, he can’t manage on his own, but that’s why I’m there for him. There are parents out there who have children with huge problems. All my respect to them.

Andrei taught me something wonderful. One morning, during the Liturgy, a daddy came in with a baby on his back. The baby had a severe disability. He was hunched over with grief – both physical and spiritual. They walked forward. Andrei saw them, bowed to the icons, looked at them again and followed them out of the church, then turned to me and said, “Oh, poor thing, he’s sick.” Then, after a short pause, he added, “I am not.”

He taught me that, in fact, as long as the soul is healthy, what happens on a physical level are unimportant details.