“I suddenly felt emptiness in my belly… and in my soul” / “For Life” Magazine, no. 4 – Spring 2015

A few months ago, “listening to my body’s needs” – I was ovulating – I decided to do something I had never done before: go out to a party, pick up a man and have sex with him. Said and done. I went out, I saw him, I had some alcohol to get my courage up, I hooked up and slept with him.

Being, however, a ‘responsible’ woman, I bought condoms to protect myself from sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy. But the condom broke. The next morning, I bought the morning-after pill and took it. After two weeks, my period was due, but it was late. I went to the chemist’s, told the story to the pharmacist, who assured me that the pill I had taken did cause some irregularities and that in most cases, menstruation is delayed. But I felt something was happening to my body. I had tummy pains, my breasts became very sensitive, I would go very sleepy all of a sudden in the middle of the day, while I was at work. As a result, I was almost convinced I was pregnant.

I was keeping in touch with the man I had slept with, but only as friends. I would talk to him and tell him these things. He asked me what I wanted to do in case I was pregnant and I told him that I would not kill my baby. He was happy and told me he didn’t expect that answer from me. I was calling the supposed baby “Daniel”.

I have always told myself that if I ever get pregnant, I will keep my baby no matter what, regardless of whether the father decides to stay with me or not, and regardless of whether my parents agree or not. I was convinced that, at first, they would be angry with me, but later they would accept the situation and forgive me, as I was their only child – and an adopted one on top of that.

I bought a pregnancy test, which I took as soon as I got home. The test came back positive. As soon as I saw the result, doubts and questions started to arise. Suddenly I was no longer as convinced as I had been all my life and I started thinking about abortion.

I searched the internet for information about abortion. That’s how I found out about chemical abortion. You take one pill today, four more tomorrow and that’s it! You’re off the hook. I called a friend, told her about the situation and she advised me to see my mom.

As a result, I called her and told her the situation, just as it happened. At the end, I told her I didn’t know what to do.

She asked me, “Well, do you have anything to do with the man you slept with?” “No”, I honestly answered. Her reply was: “Then why do you ask what to do?” And I told her that I had already looked on the internet and found out about a clinic where they do chemical abortions. She told me to call the clinic to see if the doctor could see us. I called and he said he was expecting me.

We left. Mom picked me up from home and we went together to a clinic downtown Bucharest. In the car, my mom hugged me and told me that every woman goes through this at least once in her life.

We arrived at the clinic and everything went very quickly. The doctor gave me an ultrasound. I saw the pregnancy on the ultrasound monitor, a little white dot. Then he gave me a pill and told me that I had to take four more pills every 24 hours.

That night I went home, but the next day I went to my mom’s. She wanted me to be with her so I wouldn’t go through the abortion alone. I took the pills, and after four hours I started to have contractions, with pains no worse than menstruation. After about two hours of contractions, I removed the embryo and the amniotic sac.  It was as pink as a fingernail. After that, the pain stopped.

The next day, I called the doctor and told him how it went, and he told me he was expecting me for a check-up in eight to nine days. In the period that followed, even at the check-up, when I was told that everything was fine, and that the abortion had been successful, I felt no remorse. None. As if nothing had happened.

But a few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend of mine and I was telling her that I couldn’t figure out how I could have been so selfish when my biological mother gave birth to me at the age of 15.

I was a baby and she chose to give me a chance at life by giving me up for adoption. But I, a grown woman, at the age of 28, chose not to give my child the same chance. That was the first time I felt pain, the first time I cried.

A couple of weeks later, I was holding a very sweet and loving little girl, about four years old. I suddenly felt emptiness in my belly… and in my soul.

I wish I could turn back time and never have made that choice. Unfortunately, I can’t.

I blame no one. Neither the father of the baby, nor the company that produced the condom, nor the friend whom I first called, nor the authors of the materials about medical abortion, nor my mother, nor the gynecologist.

It all started with premarital sex, continued with unemotional sex, and culminated in a stony selfishness regarding the life of the child. It’s a logical path. Girls, women, don’t walk that path!

When I am married, I want to adopt at least one child, because I was adopted, but also because of this first child of mine that I aborted. But no one will replace this child, I know that.

I have said my confession and now all I can do is pray for the soul of my baby, that God take care of it.

by Andreea M., Bucharest